Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Holy crap...

I just found this on my old live journal. I wrote this when I was like 18. Its actually not that bad for a guy who knows absolutely nothing about the world.

tick tock tick tock the clock bellows thickly
click clack click clack my finger rattle onward
pitter pat pitter pat my heart beats faster
thump thump thump my feet ignore the boredom

empty voices echoing, sneaking through the halls
the confident business man as he forfeits his soul
and the women strangly sound very much the same
do they know their forsaken souls have misguided ambition to blame?

They don't notice me sitting in my safty spot
hiding out and counting down the minutes until I leave
because unlike them my time in here is a pause in real life
that resumes between 9 and 5 and continues on its path

oh this wretched trap has taken slaves indeed
if I wait here long enough I fear it may take me
no rhyme nor prose could possibly pose
a threat to this industry

I sit and think as I pass a new day about my former life
of locker doors and those fucking whores that loved to make me squirm
the very scum that later become society's living dead
yet deep inside I miss the pride of knowing where I'm going.

Perhaps I'll change, as we know the wind does, onto a deeper path
where enrichment and knowledge can set some goals other then getting by
or getting richer for that matter, for money and fame is not my desire
I want a life devoid of complacency that knows its destination








Then later I found this one... this is like reading the words of another person. Funny to think how I was so in love with somebody and now it is just like... information.

shes the thump thump thump when my heart heats up
and the blood that rushes to warm these cold bones
and I'm not so young yes I'm very very old
and this girl is the one for whome my heart is sold
she's the little tickle feeling jumping down my spine
and the the scarf that keeps me feeling so secure
and this time I'll do it right oh I promise this is it
and I promise I won't hurt you, how could I hurt myself?

she's the rhythm of my footsteps in God's classy rhyme
she's the telephone reciever when God's on the line
she's a mustard seed sprouting in God's perfect time
God has given me a feast and she is the wine

I've said such things twice before or maybe three I can't be sure
I've held the hands of wicked people and closed an open door
and all the while I told the world that I was getting better
while I branded on my naked skin a velvet, scarlet letter
and now I'm sure they all will laugh and say "he's just having fun"
but they will see, I promise you, this has just begun.

He is my rhythm and she is my rhyme









What was wrong with me?



My mind doesn't mind
that I sleep all the time
as I stand in the checkout line
When I buy my milk
It must be said that I once said
that I am never asleep as I lay in my bed
and repeat over and over the words in my head
When I dream a real life
Perhaps I will start to finally start
to examine my brain and pull it apart
and see the truth of what's in my heart
and see where my thoughts go
I'm a 19 year old and I'm not getting old
So I'll bask in ignorance and just do as I'm told
and always bid and never fold
and stay asleep all the time











Oh dear god... this one is really bad. So emotional haha.

no more warm nights
no more small fights
I have strength in numbers
and the only number I need is me

There is a bird that sings in my walls
every morning when I wake up alone
I listen to his song as the day slips by
and all the time i don't think of you

If I stumble upon you in some
time and place, will you
look to the ground for comfort?
will you use your silance as your weapon?

Then go ahead and close your eyes
so you don't have to look at me again
because my bird sings songs to remind me
that days are brighter now that you are gone

with the vail off of my eyes I see
you settled for less







Oh and I found this on there too... I wrote this while I was in high school. I'm pretty sure it was the first short story I ever wrote. It is actually not bad for a first attempt from a 17 year old.


I don't know how long I lay there. The air was warm, but not in a good way, it was more of a stale and empty kind of warmth. It may have been that mixed with the humming of the engine that caused me to black out. I was not tired from exhaustion, but my mind had grown so occupied that I suppose it was too worn out to be distracted. I did not know I had fallen asleep when I suddenly found myself back in Audrey's room. I was not sure why I was there exactly but she had sort of a half grin on her face. I was so taken by her lips and eyes that I immediately forgot about the car and about my conversation with Ari, and really about everything that happened the night before. 
I looked at her for a long while before I spoke. It was nice to share silence with her again. I was noticing every little detail I could. This is a habit I picked up because I was never sure just how long the good moments would last with her, so I was always trying to fuse some sort of memory of what those moments felt like, so I could sustain myself when she wasn't around, or when things got bad again. There was a sort of iridescent light coming off of the Christmas lights in her room; they made a bright silhouette around her body. Her socks did not match, and it was not on purpose in that silly way that girls often do. There were a lot more details, but they sort of drifted into my subconscious and got lost in the mix. She was the first to speak because frankly, I was too scared. 
"Do you hate me Jeff?" 
"my eyes are very dry, I'm sorry, what?" 
"never mind" 
"do you have any water? I think I am going to pass out." 
"why do you do this to yourself Jeff? You are worry mongering" 
"you did this to me" 
"I can't win with you, lets go watch a movie okay? And I will get you some water." 
suddenly I felt normal again. All I could think about was that she has such a power. I felt like I had been horrible to her, but there was always such closure when she would just grab my hand. 
As we walked into the kitchen I began noticing details again. The way her hand felt, the way her apartment smelled. I noticed flies stuck in the windows, they made a quiet white noise as their wings beat against the blinds. 
Suddenly all the clarity in the world was mine. It was as if the veil had been uncovered from my eyes and the floodgates of comfort were opened. None of the shaking and none of the hypochondria. I was alone with her and she was perfect. 
"What movie do you want to watch?" 
"it doesn't matter, I am glad I came" 
I waited for a reaction but she said nothing. Then I looked over and she was gone. In her place was a blinding light. I squinted immediately and a sweat instantly burned through my pores. I kept thinking she would still respond but there was nothing around me anymore. 
"Please answer me Audrey, I hate not knowing." 
nothing just the blinding sun. 
Then the humming started again. I noticed that the flies were not stirring in the windows anymore and I noticed that I had a sharp pain on the side of my head. 
The feelings of discomfort began to grow exponentially as I gathered to my senses and turned my head away from the sun. 
I sat up in the back seat of the car, which was still parked. 
"I must have fallen asleep" I said 
I was pretty sure I had never talked out loud to myself before that, but I was growing used to behaving differently, if that makes any sense. 
I got back in the drivers seat, I wasn't even sure how I had managed to get out of it in the first place. I looked out my window and down the beach and noticed Ari was coming up. Again I took off the park break and put my car in reverse, but then I just put it back in neutral. My motivation had ceased. 
Ari approached the car; he was walking in kind of a fast paced sulk. I was having trouble pinpointing his mood. As he got almost in front of me he made eye contact and I was sure he would come talk to me. Probably put me in my place, or perhaps try to sympathize with me like everyone else, but in the end he just looked. Then, as if nothing had happened, he looked down and kept on walking. 
I was shocked at what had just happened. Who did he think he was? Could he really get away with that? I thought about getting out of the car, but I had been sitting there for so long that I felt it would ruin my streak if I got out then. 
I sat there staring until he vanished around the trees. 
I was not running out of things to think about, but I was running out of motivation to think. All this time I had spent trying to convince myself to just go find her. To grab her. To say "god damnit! I need you!" 
but this time was different. 
Everything was gone and I was left with an unfinished story. 
There was no plot twist 
no characterization 
my story had reached its climax. 
After all that time, and all my hard work. 
I reached for the key. 
And let the engine die. 
The silence was deafening.

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